Sometimes the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.
By 2026, almost everyone knows who Banksy, the graffiti artist, is. When I first met Kim in 2013, however, I hadn't heard of him. I already loved art, having grown up around it, and my dad was a fantastic painter.
Kim had a bachelor's degree in art and was an accomplished painter and sculptor. By the time she passed away, she had won competitions in New York and Boston. She never bragged about her accomplishments, but her friends told me. Art was one of the great passions of her life.
On our first date, we talked about just about everything. When Kim mentioned Banksy, I had no idea who he was. She explained that he was an incredibly famous graffiti artist. I responded, "So one of your inspirations is a gangster with a spray can in a building?"
She looked at me, stunned. "What's wrong with you?" (A perfectly valid question, as roughly 100 people throughout my life have asked me at one point or another. I'm still searching for an answer.) "And why did I even come on this date?" I asked her to explain. She introduced me to the magic of Banksy, and I've been a fan ever since. His artwork is thought-provoking, often funny, sometimes uncomfortable, and frequently says more in a few words than some people manage in an entire book.
This particular piece caught my attention for a different reason."Be someone that makes you happy." I think that's a message worth remembering.We spend an awful lot of time looking for happiness in other people. We want somebody to love us, make us laugh, understand us, and share our lives.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Companionship, friendship, and love can make life wonderful. But there's a difference between having somebody who makes you happy and making somebody responsible for your happiness.I think that's where Banksy's message gets interesting.
I suppose some people might interpret this as another version of that familiar expression, "Love yourself." I've always found that phrase a little simplistic, almost like something an overpaid motivational speaker would put on a coffee mug.
I've also joked with my female friends that perhaps it's code for spending some quality time alone and getting in touch with themselves. Some laugh. Others roll their eyes and essentially agree with Kim's assessment of me: "Why do I spend time with you, and actually enjoy it?"
But seriously, I think there's something deeper here. Being happy alone isn't the same as being lonely. And being in a relationship isn't necessarily the same as being happy. You can enjoy somebody else's company without depending on it to feel good about yourself. You can love someone without losing yourself in the process. And you can be perfectly content with your life while still wanting somebody to share it with.
It's a lesson I continue to work on. For 38 years, I put everybody else first. Their needs mattered more. I spent an enormous amount of time making sure people were safe, happy, and taken care of. I didn't give much thought to what I needed or what would make me happy. Perhaps some of that came from my mother, who spent 38 years as a social worker. Perhaps some came from my father, who told me before he died that he wanted everyone to remember him as "a really nice guy."
I've thought about that statement many times over the years. Being a nice guy is a wonderful thing. Taking care of people is important. But somewhere along the way, I had to learn that taking care of myself wasn't selfish, and it didn't mean I cared any less about anybody else.
This year, I finally gave myself permission to make that change. I'm learning to enjoy my own company, pursue the things that make me happy, and stop feeling that I have to organize my entire existence around everybody else's needs.
I'm not suggesting that we become self-centered or stop looking out for one another. Quite the opposite. I think we're better equipped to help others when we're taking care of ourselves, too. And happiness doesn't require a perfect life. You don't have to have everything figured out. You can still have challenges, regrets, and things you'd like to change. You can be a work in progress and still enjoy the person you're becoming.
Even if you're alone right now, there's a great deal of life waiting for you to enjoy.
I'll be spending Thanksgiving by myself this year. That doesn't mean I'm looking forward to being alone, but it also doesn't mean I'm going to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I'll find something to do, something to enjoy, and probably something to laugh about. I'm happy with the person I am, and that's something I worked pretty hard to achieve.
At Kim's Warriors, one of the things we hope to do is help people discover possibilities they might not have considered. Sometimes all we can do is show someone that a door exists. They have to decide whether to knock. So take care of each other. Love the people in your life. Make somebody laugh. Be there when someone needs you.
But above all don't forget to do something important along the way. Be someone who makes you happy.
